Howls to the Moon
by Bu-Ju-Banton
Summary: Remus Lupin's journal entries and life at Hogwarts. You'd think that being a Werewolf was the extent of his problems. That just goes to show how much you know...


** Howls to the Moon  
**  
** By: BuJuBanton:**

_Many people believe that the smell of blood is what drives me crazy. That when it fills my nostrils I will loose all control and start ripping everyone's throats. That is in fact, untrue.  
  
It's hunger. And hunger can make anyone insane. Hunger can make you eat anything, whether it be worms dug up from the ground or an old sandwich that has begun to grow mold. You'd still eat it, if you were hungry enough. And you'd like it.  
  
You see, being a Werewolf isn't what everyone says it is. You say changing is painful. Hah! The changing is quite enjoyable. It's a relief. The week before the full moon is what is painful. My muscles don't all change once the full moon hits me, like most people think. That would kill me. What they actually do is start changing all through that week. And then, the first night I change, my body soothes out, because my muscles are allowed to grow the way they want, and my body takes on the form of the wolf.  
  
Without the full moon, my body is constricted in my human form, and the muscles that start to grow to take on the wolf form, are trapped into a painful humanoid shape.  
  
While I am in a human like state, I am still part wolf. So that means as a wolf, I am still part human. I have intelligence, and I am not crazy, or rabid. I do not become a wild beast; I only become a wild human, in the form of a wolf. _

_  
  
_ Remus stopped writing and held his swollen wrist with thin, bony fingers. Setting the journal aside, he closed the bottle of ink, set aside his quill, picked up the journal and laid back on his bed with it tucked under his pillow.  
  
Part of the reason he had stopped was because of his throbbing wrist, and the other part was that his keen hearing had picked up approaching footfalls.  
  
Using the few seconds he had, Remus slowed down his breathing and closed his eyes. He had been sleeping the whole time, honest!  
  
Remus' mouth twitched as he heard familiar whispers and the occasional "Shh!" as a group of three boys ambled into the dormitory.  
  
Their efforts to remain quiet were noble (to them), but his hearing was more. Keeping up the charade to the best of his abilities Remus shifted in his sleep, trying to find a better position that would provide him the most comfort for when the inevitable pounce came.  
  
"Moony!" A cry sounded off along with the muffled, "Oomph." and a groggy, "Geroff".  
  
After a small scuffle and many crumpled bed sheets, two heads of messy hair appeared: one of black and one of brown.  
  
"Rise and shine!" Sirius Black said and thumped Remus on the back.  
  
Remus only narrowed his eyes in an effort to ward off the overdose of friendliness.  
  
"Guys, careful." Squeaked a smaller boy.  
  
"Yeah, he's probably all sore." Said the taller one with glasses and messy black hair.  
  
"Ah, he don't mind." Said Sirius fondly and grinned up at James Potter and Peter Pettigrew.  
  
"Doesn't." Remus corrected and stretched his arms over his head.  
  
With a sharp yelp his hands froze in mid-air. The stiffness and soreness of his muscles had increased and Remus couldn't move his arms for fear they might fall off from the extra pain.  
  
"You okay?" Sirius asked with concern as the others winced in pain, as if they felt it.  
  
Said person nodded and tried to make his arms lay down.  
  
"Just pre-moon soreness." Remus said casually and shrugged.  
  
The others didn't miss the wince of pain as he moved his shoulders.  
  
"Well, it's about time for our detention." James said, looking at the giant Grandfather clock that loomed in the corner.  
  
"What detention?" Sirius asked innocently, except for the strange twinkling in his eyes.  
  
"You know, now that I think about it, we didn't have a detention." James said slyly, catching on.  
  
"Yeah, we only had a few appointments down at Zonko's today, but that's about it." Sirius added, his grin growing.  
  
Remus looked up and frowned, in a few second's Sirius' grin would grow so big it would walk off.  
  
"Hmm, do ya think we ought to go and get an early start?" James asked.  
  
"May as well, you two coming?" Sirius asked, his gaze drifting between Peter and Remus.  
  
"I am." Said Peter, too afraid of being left behind than getting in trouble.  
  
"Remus?" James asked, a line of worry spreading between his eyebrows.  
  
"I think I'll catch up on some sleep, since I'll be missing it tonight." Remus said lightly.  
  
The others nodded in silent agreement, they would all miss sleep, but Remus was the one who would need it the most.  
  
Without any more spoken words, the three boys that had interrupted him, left the same way they had come in.  
  
Instead of turning back to his journal, Remus did as he said he would. He fell back into his bed and entered a realm of dreams.

_Sunday morning, actually it's not even morning. I was woken early again. No, it wasn't Sirius, or James, or even Peter needing help on a Transfigurations essay. It was The Dream: The Dream that has been waking me up recently, the only Dream that I have while in both forms.  
  
I know what you might be thinking, that my Dream is about me as a Werewolf ripping some innocent person's throat out. It is not, although I have had that dream before. This is The Dream.  
  
The Dream that will always wake me up, no matter how many times I dream it. The Dream that haunts me and plays over and over in my mind even when I'm awake. The Dream that makes me howl to the Moon every time I change.  
  
I hate this Dream. Out of all the other dreams I've had this one is my worst. It's not my first change, or the memory of the first time I killed something, which happened to be someone's pet, or even a dream of my finally killing a human.  
  
It is The Dream. And I hate this Dream. I would like to kill this Dream, only you can't kill dreams. But if a magical Genie popped up unexpectedly, I would wish that I had the power to kill this Dream.  
  
Because it killed me.  
  
And as the saying goes; and eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.  
  
A Death for a Death.  
  
Last night was my change. And I've done something I am too embarrassed to confess. To you it might not be so bad, but to me it is. And to one of my best friends, it is.  
  
So for now my lips are sealed, and I will forever remember another set of lips sealed around them..._

** T.B.C. in Chapter 2**


End file.
